Oh, the pretty sights, the beautiful smells, and the reminder that Hell for the depressed sole is coming. My holidays have not always been easy, in fact, they are the root of all evil in at least 25% responsible for my depression. A bit dramatic, no just keeping it real!!
Rewind a few hours of my day and you will see why, ….. As I sit in my blissful happiness for the third consecutive day, I get the dreaded question from my sister, what are you doing for the holiday!! Well that might be an easy question for some, I am staying home, I am going to Cali to visit family, I have plans to go to Disney…..all reasonable and perfectly normal answers. Instead, the question comes and a full blown anxiety attack with muting panic and a quick spiral of visions from all possible options enters my brain and the decline is FAST!! 0 to 100 in 3 seconds. Hyperventilating, I can feel my heart looking for a way out of my chest, and my sister and hubby staring at me waiting for an answer.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
I wish I had a magical way to have known this was the way the call was going to go and I would have declined the call like I have done for so many years. The only words I could mutter were ok we will be there. In my haze of emotions and trying to keep it together I realize that my hubby is on the phone with his mother giving her the great news, We are coming home for the holidays!!
Yeah!! 16 hours in a car traveling to Holiday Hell sounds like a wonderful road trip. Something to look forward to, a night full of anxiety, uncomfortable moments, and
The inability to explain that if this plan continues I am going to explode into a million pieces.
A few minutes later, The Plan is said out loud! “Let’s spend Thursday morning with your family and we will have Thanksgiving dinner with my family”, my oblivious husband says. Sounds like the perfect plan right, well NO!!
This holiday splitting time has been the cause of many past arguments, many sleepless nights, and many relapses into catatonic states of my depression.
After three hours of pretending like “the plan” is the best idea ever, I BURST out!! I would rather stay home for the Holidays!!! Angel, my hubby stares at me with those hurt eyes that break my heart. I mustard up the courage to explain my thought process, even though my disease is telling me to just give up and go to bed.
What a crappy situation to be in! Am I Alone?
After a few hours of isolating myself and slowly allowing the depression to take over my day, I said, “enough”. I spoke to my hubby and was super honest about my feelings and how I had no desire to go thru that. Oddly enough he agreed, that the stress outweighs the benefits.
We decided that starting our own traditions was a necessity. Now this in no way implies that I do not want to spend the holidays with the family. I would love to have the courage to go and control my debilitating panic attacks, but I don’t!! Not now, I am sure if I continue to work hard and continue, to be honest, I will be able to do it. I sure hope so or my family is going to start wondering why I am avoiding them.
Enough with the Deep Stuff on to some crafty time.
I made this LO of my babies playing outside to brighten the mood from my gloomy hours. The busier I keep my hands and mind the less I drift into a slump. Does this happen to all of you too, or how do you control anxiety?
Thanks for stopping by!!